Sorry it's been so long. Life's been going on if you know what I mean. It was actually going pretty well. My family life is always great, and lately my professional life has been going great. . . until this past Friday.
I am a substitute teacher. I NEVER thought I would teach. NEVER, EVER, NEVER! However, a few years ago I started to teach at the preschool where two of my children attended. They were desperate for teachers and they convinced me to sign on by telling me that I would get free tuition for both of my children, I would get paid, and that any moron could teach the curriculum it was so well laid out. Naturally, I said, "Sign me up!"
They were right, though. The curriculum was awesome! I taught a pre-K 4-year old class for two years and absolutely loved it. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but my students were able to read AND comprehend one-vowel words and sentences, and the parents loved me. My classroom was so fun. The last year I taught, we learned all about the 50 states. Each week I would profile two states. Parents, Grandparents, neighbors of the kids, etc . . . would volunteer to come in and talk about states they had lived in or visited. Of the 50 I think I only had to profile 20 of them myself!
Anyway, I digress. I was a pretty good teacher. I left the preschool because my children had outgrown the school and I wanted to be a presence in their elementary school. All three of my children are in the same school this year. This of course will be the only year that will happen, so I wanted to be a part of it. Since I don't have my teaching certificate (because I never thought I would teach . . . did I happen to mention that?) I signed up to be a substitute teacher in our county. Luckily, the Grandmother of one of my former students worked in the administrative offices for the county and not only offered to put my application in, but actually helped rush my application through. Thank you, Gloria!
With my badge in hand I walked into my children's school and was told that I was one of 100 substitutes on their list. Well, I was hoping to be more of a presence than that. I also needed to work. I went around to a few other local schools and managed to get myself on the list of another school. They called me quite regularly. My own kids' school called me about once a month. I still sub there if they call, but mostly I'm at the other school.
The night before the kids were to go back to school after Christmas break, I got a call from this school about a long-term substituting gig. Now, I had specifically said that I would substitute in any class except Art because I am art inept. I can appreciate art, I just can't do art. So, of course, this call is for a long-term art teacher position. The teacher's husband had been suffering from stomach cancer for years and over the break they got the news that he was terminal and only had weeks if not days to live. How was I supposed to turn that down?
Of course, to seal the deal, they flattered me with how many compliments I've gotten from teachers I've substituted for; and how reliable I am; and how they know I'll do a good job; blah, blah, blah! As I always say, "Flattery gets you everywhere!" They also told me that lesson plans would be included.
I accepted and have been doing this job for the last month. (About two weeks ago the husband did pass away. I ask that any of you who pray keep the family in your prayers.) The job did not come with lesson plans. I have been making them up with the help of the Director of Art for the county schools. It has actually been a fun job. I find myself enjoying it WAY more than I thought I would.
I teach Art to grades Kindergarten through 5th grade. I truly felt like I was doing a great job when the Principal came to me last week and told me she thought I was wonderful and that it was so nice to know I was there and that she didn't have to worry about that class. What a confidence boost. Also, the kids seemed to be enjoying the lessons, and I had gotten a few compliments from some of the teachers as well. (When you substitute, you're considered an outsider and treated as such. It wasn't until I started to long-term sub that many of the teachers even bothered to say "hello" to me.)
Well, this past Friday any and all confidence I had in myself as a teacher went right out the window. Granted, I had 6 classes that day and 5 of those classes went great. But, for some reason this one class was such a blow to my self-esteem. It was a fifth grade class. I always thought that if I ever did teach, I would have a better rapport with older kids. Apparently, that's not so. This class just would not shut-up. I could not get a word in edge wise, and this wasn't the first time this class had been so obnoxious. Ironically, this isn't even the "notorious" fifth grade class. This is supposed to be one of the better ones.
Anyway, I totally lost my cool with this class. I was literally screaming at them. I told them to shut-up! I am embarrassed to even admit that. From that point on, the class went as well as could be expected which was not as good as it should have. They were shocked into silence, and for a while, they behaved long enough for me to give them the instructions. After that, they were rowdy and nearly intolerable. I knew that it was a mistake the minute I started yelling. I lost all credibility with them and with myself.
This episode has literally eaten away at me all freakin' weekend. It ruined what would otherwise have been a great day. Hell, it's ruined my entire weekend. It also rocked the hell out of my self-esteem. I have agonized over this. I have tried to think of different ways to handle the situation in the future. I know for a fact that I will never do that again! I have to figure out a way to get control of this class, and at the same time, not lose my cool and not lose my credibility.
Everyone makes mistakes. I know this. I just can't seem to let it go. I literally feel like the worst teacher on the planet. I know logically that's not the case, but I'm having an impossible time convincing myself of that.
Later that day, I had a Kindergarten teacher tell me how great she thought I was. Perhaps the 5th grade just isn't for me. Perhaps K-4th is more my speed. I don't know. (You can see how much this upsets me . . . I think I've said "I don't know" about 5 times!)
If anyone out there has any suggestions on how to handle an obnoxious 5th grade class, I'm all ears. I even approached their teacher for help and she just said "they're that way for me, too . . ." Does anyone else see anything wrong with this? How can a class get away with being this way? I don't know . . . I just know that I have to get a handle on them so they don't think they can take advantage of me again.
I am really down about this. I need some insight . . . I need some suggestions . . . I need to go to sleep. Good night
Labels: You said what??
